The Lot, or The Story of the World’s Most Flamboyant Burger

Eating a burger in Australia was high on my list of things to do. Part of this is because of my lack of beef consumption these last four months, but who are we kidding? I don’t expect there to be real beef in burgers anymore these days.

No: my desire for an Aussie burger was mostly because Aussie burgers are strange creatures that warrant appreciation in their own right. What makes them strange? Even, as my post title suggests, flamboyant?

The Lot Burger
The Lot Burger

Maybe it’s because their combination of ingredients is so colourful they could actually get spectators to fork over more green to gawk at their contents than to watch a next door highwire, dish-balancing, tattoo-rippling, famille-le-freak circus act.

And what, pray tell, makes them the family circus act of the fast food world?

When you ask for “The Lot” at a burger joint in Australia, you are really asking for a meat patty (normal), tomato (normal), lettuce (yes, still normal), cheese (great), grilled/caramelized onion (fancy), bacon (om nom nom!), bbq sauce (well it is Australia…), egg (err…okay), pineapple (I…really…?),and beetroot (Jesus God, why?!).

Let’s just put that into visuals for you:

The anatomy of The Lot burger
The anatomy of The Lot burger

Most importantly, let me underscore: there is pineapple, fried egg, and beetroot in your mouth at the same time.

I suppose there could be worse combinations in your mouth...
I suppose there could be worse combinations to be in your mouth at once…

Honestly, it’s not as gross as it sounds. That said, it’s not the most delicious burger I’ve had either, and this isn’t some magical unveiling of ingredients that will rock your world six ways to Sunday. I mean, it’s hard to get gourmet with beets…

The reason I wanted one was because the food adventurer in me thinks it’s hilarious that this is the standard all-dressed burger across the nation. Frankly I think it’s hilarious that it’s normal for any nation in the world. I mean when did this become standardized?? (Seriously if anyone knows the history behind the evolutionary trajectory of the Australian hamburger tradition I’d be delighted to know).

So I ordered this burger for a laugh, and just to prove to myself that yes, this exists, and the world is a hilarious place. It’s like I’m literally consuming my daily giggles.

C and I ordered a burger each and brought them to the Callala Bay pier where they were devoured with gusto. Well, C had no problem, but I couldn’t finish mine. These burgers happened to be the size of my face. I’m sure Gulliver had more success looting an entire Brobdingnag’s table than I did on my one burger.

C devouring his burger.
C devouring his burger.
Me struggling to eat my burger amid the daily dose of giggle its giving me.
Me struggling to eat my burger amid the daily dose of giggle it’s giving me. Also note the beetroot juice winding down my right wrist.

It’s only by the time you get to the last half, however, that it becomes obvious why I give it the name of “most flamboyant burger”: the beetroot juice that inevitably runs down your wrists has also stained the bun bright flamenco pink. A five-year-old unicorn-enthusiast ballerina princess couldn’t be disappointed by its majestic shade.

And that is The Lot.

What’s the most eccentric burger (or food in general) that you’ve eaten?


4 thoughts on “The Lot, or The Story of the World’s Most Flamboyant Burger

  1. Welcome back. What a hoot you are. There is a chain of burger joints in USA called “Whataburger”, they should market the Aussie Burger….but then again there is so much healthy food on it, it might not sell at all.

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  2. And then there is the complete opposite: its called a ‘Dick Ann’ (ahem, no snickering). Two ultra thin patties ( thick parchment actually) with a generous serving of some kind of brown sauce (their special sauce – like who doesn’t have special sauces), generously ladled onto the patties, then topped with a smooched cover bun (I said cover bun not cummerbund). And that’s it, that’s all! Salt is optional. I asked for a veggie or two and the cook looked at me and said bluntly (NO, DIS IS A DICK ANN BURGER, DATS IT). It took me 2 minutes to eat it and I ordered another one to satiate my appetite (barely).
    p.s. LOVE you’re illustrations both graphic and pictorial. where do you get it from anyway ? ? ?

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