Some Days Will Be Worse Than Others

Buddha’s Birthday Part 3 will soon follow, but for the time being I couldn’t muster the strength to write about it.

Sometimes there come moments when you’re abroad that you’re just feeling so. stuck. Literally like you’ve locked yourself in a plastic prison and you can’t escape and the air is slowly being sucked out.

There come moments when you feel so far from everything, it’s as if an earthquake has created an un-cross-ible chasm between your feet and the place you want to be most.

Separated by so much distance. Gif from imgarcade.
Separated by so much distance. Gif from imgarcade.

For me, right now, that’s Canada. I want to be back on home soil so much I can’t walk fast enough, sleep long enough, or mark my days down with X’s often enough to satisfy myself that time is ticking down on my time in Korea

Everything seems to be going in slow motion, like that old woman who talks too slowly, or wading through thigh-deep water, and it’s driving me fucking bananas. I want to throw a tantrum worthy of one of my students, but conceal don’t feel, right?

All the repressed Elsa feels, before she goes all ice queen. Gif from Andrew Quo.
All the repressed Elsa feels, before she goes all ice queen. Gif from Andrew Quo.

I feel so much pent up frustration and claustrophobia being here. Doesn’t matter if I’m inside the apartment or taking a walk or sitting at my desk (although it’s particularly bad during the latter), I’ve just so completely wrung dry my experience from Korea that I’ve got no juice left to keep me going.

I know I have to keep going to work. I know I have to make a summer camp. I know I have to be a patient all-giving teacher, but right now all I want to do is fling myself out a window and hope the breeze carries me home. (I mean this in the least suicidal way possible).

I’m so tired of being here and I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on some days.

In terms of freedom of movement and wandering, moments like these are the ones that you have to use to decide when it’s time to leave a place. Just like ending a relationship with a person, you know when you’ve reached the end of your tether with a place. If I wasn’t bound by contract, I’d be outta here faster than you could say, “FREEDOM!”

I'm FREEEEE!! From Giphy.
I’m FREEEEE!! From Giphy.

Alas, as it is, I’m stuck. But when I finally am able to leave, I’ll know that it’s the decision I’m making for the right reason; that staying here felt like breathing with cling film over my face; that I’d rather have my nails extracted than live in a country I currently feel is no more than a prison; that I’m moving to a better place to be a better person because anywhere is better than here and I neither like who I am nor who I’m becoming while residing in this place.

Anyway sorry for the downbeat post, but like I said in an earlier article, I want to keep this blog honest and that means even indulging in a few days of wallowing.

How about you guys? Any times you were fed up on the road?


4 thoughts on “Some Days Will Be Worse Than Others

  1. I’m feeling the exact same way! I feel like there is a new frustrating thing happening every day. I have exactly 3 months left and the end cannot come any sooner!
    I hope that you feel better soon!

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    1. Thanks and you too! Must be the wanderbug itching 🙂 good to know at least I’m not the only one out there feeling frustrated. Good luck with everything!

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  2. To me its kinda like my job. I travel to my job every day for 5 days straight but now I want to travel to another destination and want to either go home or sit in a park and read. ANYTHING but travelling to THAT place of perpetual purgatory of pain. But i’m trapped for an untold number of days, hours, minutes, etc till the next train hauls me outta there. Yeah, you’re not the only one tired of being THERE (in a metaphorical sense).
    Good luck to you both !

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  3. My own experience is different but related and virtually impossible to sum up at this time and in this space. Certainly it’s beyond my ability. Still it may be worth something to you to know that Kafkaesque trials do exist without bars or boundaries or time limits. Please understand I am not trying to say “Buck up, it’ll be over soon,” but it will be over eventually. You’ll have come through this stronger for the experience with coping mechanisms that you may not know you’ve developed until years have passed.

    Yeah, I know … f*ck the coping mechanisms, just let me outa here now!

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